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10:14 P.M. EDT
THE PRESIDENT: Well, thank you, Tam, for that introduction -- I think. (Laughter.)
Let me start on a serious note. Jill, Kamala, Doug, and I, and members
of our administration are here to send a message to the country and,
quite frankly, to the world: The free press is a pillar -- maybe the pillar -- of a free society, not the enemy. (Applause.)
Thomas Jefferson wrote -- you all know this quote. Thomas Jefferson
wrote, “Were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government
without newspapers or newspapers without a government, I should not
hesitate…to prefer the latter.”
To Evan’s parents Ella, Mikhail, and sister Danielle, as I’ve told you in person: We -- not just me -- we all stand with you.
Evan went to report in Russia to shed light on the darkness that you all escaped from years ago.
Absolute courage. A handwritten letter from prison to his family, Evan wrote, quote, “I am not losing hope.” (Applause.)
In an interview, his mom Ella said, “One of the American qualities that
we absorbed is to be optimistic. That’s where we stand right now.”
The
White House provided me with the text of President Biden's speech to
the White House Correspondents on Saturday,April 29, 2023. I watched the
live stream and was rolling on the floor with laughter as the President
let out his cynical satirical side - a side many of the Press did not
know he possessed. As
I listened to him, I remembered President Obama's statement as to why
he chose Joe Biden (a relative unknown at the time) as his running
mate. He basically said that Joe Biden had the tendency to tell it like
it is, and was not afraid to make statements, no matter who it was.
And this, folks, was the Joe Biden that addressed the Correspondent's
Dinner on Saturday night. And
I couldn't have been more thrilled. Like I said back in September,
2022 - when he spoke at the Liberty Bell in Philadephia - the
President's Gloves are Off!! I counted at least 20 zappers from
President Biden - and the press looked totally stunned. Those who can't
handle it had better DUCK!! LOL This is the link - see if you can count how many zingers President Biden launched during his speech: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDZ1H4ABmiU&t=603s
His opening statement was tame enough - basic protocol: To the entire family: Everyone in this hall stands with you. We’re working every day to secure his release, looking at
opportunities and tools to bring him home. We keep the faith.
We also keep the faith for Austin -- Austin Tice. His mom
Debra is here tonight. She knows from our several
conversations -- the conversations with me and my senior staff -- we are
not giving up.
As I told you at this dinner last year, as I told you in the Oval
Office, you’ve raised an incredible son. When he was a kid, he was an
Eagle Scout, a Big Brother, a born protector, a U.S. Marine -- three
tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. Austin was a fearless journalist and a
future lawyer. As a consequence of Austin showing the world the cost of
war, he’s been detained in Syria for nearly 11 years. It’s simply
wrong. It’s outrageous. And we are not ceasing our effort to get him,
find him, and bring him home.
Tonight, our message is this: Journalism is not a crime.
Evan and Austin should be released immediately, along with every other
American held hostage or wrongfully detained abroad. (Applause.)
Paul Whelan -- unjustly held in Russia for more than four years, whose
brave sister I’ve met with and whose family has never quit fighting for
Paul. And I promise you neither will I and neither will this
administration until we get him home.
And there are other Americans being unjustly held in Iran, Venezuela,
China, and elsewhere. Their stories may not make headlines or hashtags,
but every day -- every day, their family looks at that empty chair at
the kitchen table -- birthdays, anniversaries, holidays without them.
The pain of living in limbo. In a sense, it’s almost worse than the
pain of having lost a child and looking at that empty chair. The stress
of not knowing. The sorrow of uncertainty.
But I want them and their families to know Jill and I understand. We
see them. They are not forgotten. And I promise you I am working like
hell to get them home.
As a nation, we’ll never give up on hope. Things can get better. Things can turn. Things can change.
Tonight, unlike last year, Brittney Griner is here with her wife
Cherelle. Brittney -- where you are, kid? Stand up. Come on.
(Applause.) I love this woman. Love you, Brittney.
This time last year, we were praying for you, Brittney, hoping you knew
how hard all of us were fighting for your release.It’s great to have you
home. And, boy, I can hardly wait
to see you back on the court, kid. Remember your promise. I get to
bring my granddaughter, my All-State girl, to see you. Right?
Because of our unrelenting efforts, we’ve been able to bring home dozens
of hostages and wrongfully detainees -- wrongful detainees from
Afghanistan, Burma, Haiti, Iran, Rwanda, Venezuela, across West Africa,
and around the world. But we’re doing everything we can to prevent these cases from occurring in the first place. For example, the State Department added the threat of detention as a new
risk indicator to its travel advisories to go along with the threat of
kidnapping to warn Americans where these threats are highest abroad.
I also recently signed an executive order increasing the consequences
for criminal groups and terrorists who engage in the appalling practice
of treating human beings as bargaining chips, political pawns. And just
two days ago, my administration announced the first sanctions
under this new authority, punishing individuals and security services in
Russia and Iran who’ve been part of the wrongful detention of
Americans.
Above all, across the government, experts are working day and night to bring
our fellow Americans home, much of which, as you well know, we can’t
talk about. Concern that it will backfire. But my commitment is to bring them home, just as I know
your commitment is to continue to be a free and fearless press.
And that’s what we honor tonight.
And this is not hyperbole: You make it possible
for ordinary citizens to question authority -- and, yes, even to laugh
at authority -- without fear or intimidation.
That’s what makes this nation strong.
So, tonight, let us show ourselves and the world our strength, not just
by the example of our power, but by the power of our example.
Folks, I know a lot has changed in the press. I’ve had a lot of
conversations with a lot of you. This is not your father’s press from
20 years ago. No, I’m serious. And you all know it better than I do.
But still, it is absolutely consequential and essential. AT
THIS POINT PRESIDENT BIDEN TOOK OFF THE SOMBER AND PUT ON THE SATIRE!
Hang on to your hats, it's gonna be a bumpy ride! I personally counted
at least 16 different zingers - see how many you come up with!
After all, I believe in the First Amendment -- not just because my good
friend Jimmy Madison wrote it. (for those of you who did not study American History James Madison was the 4th president of the US - 1809 to 1817)
In a lot of ways, this dinner sums up my first two years in office. I’ll talk for 10 minutes, take zero questions, and
cheerfully walk away.
Yeah, I know, I just announced my reelection campaign.
Some of you -- some of you scooped that I’d announce in a video. But,
really, you really all thought in your heart that I’d just blurt it out,
didn’t you?
And, look, I get that age is a completely reasonable issue. It’s on
everybody’s mind.And everyone -- by “everyone” I mean the New York
Times. Headline: “Biden’s advanced age is a big issue. Trump’s,
however, is
not.”
Sorry, that was a New York Times Pitchbot. I apologize. I love that guy. I should do an interview with him.
You might think I don’t like Rupert Murdoch. That’s simply not true.
How could I dislike the guy who makes me look like Harry Styles?
You call me old? I call it being seasoned. You say I’m ancient? I say
I’m wise. You say I’m over the hill? Don Lemon would say that’s a man
in his prime.
Folks, it’s wonderful to be back here again, proving I haven’t learned a damn thing.
I want everybody to have fun tonight, but please be safe.
If you find yourself disoriented or confused, it’s either you’re drunk or Marjorie Taylor Greene. The
stunned look on the face of some of the right wingnut reporters in the
audience told it all - he had totally blindsided them. I was laughing
myself silly.
Tam, thank you for hosting us. I love NPR (leans into the microphone) -- because they whisper into the mic like I do.
But not everybody loves NPR. Elon Musk tweeted that it should be defunded. Well, the best way to make NPR go away is for Elon Musk to buy it.
(Laughter and applause.) And that’s more true than you think. Anyway.
This dinner is one of the two great traditions in Washington. The other
one is underestimating me and Kamala. Well, the truth is we really
have a record to be proud of. Vaccinated the nation. Transformed the
economy. Earned historic legislative victories and
midterm results. But the job isn’t finished. I mean -- it is finished
for Tucker Carlson.
Another zinger that had the audience going "Ooooooh!!"
THE PRESIDENT: What are you wooing about like that? Like
you think that’s not reasonable? Give me a break. Just
give me a break.
Look, like I often say, don’t compare me to the Almighty, compare me to
the alternative. We added 12 million jobs, and that's just counting the
lawyers to -- who defended the president (T-rump).
I had a lot of Ron DeSantis jokes
ready, but Mickey Mouse beat the hell out of me and got
there first.
Now, look -- can’t be too rough on the guy. After his reelection as
governor, he was asked if he had a mandate. He said, “Hell no, I’m
straight.” “I’m straight.”
I’ll give you time to think that one through. You got it?
Look, you all keep reporting my approval rating is at 42 percent. But
what do you -- but I think you don’t know this: Kevin McCarthy called me
and asked me, “Joe, what the hell is your secret?” I’m not even kidding about that one.
The Speaker is trying to claim a big win this week, but the last time
Republicans voted on something this -- that hapless, it took 15 tries.
AUDIENCE: Oooh --
THE PRESIDENT: That was good.
Look, it’s great the cable news networks are here tonight. MSNBC owned
by NBC Universal. Fox News owned by Dominion Voting Systems. Last
year, your favorite Fox News reporters were able to attend because they
were fully vaccinated and boosted. This year, with that $787 million
settlement, they’re here because they couldn’t say no to a free meal.
And hell, I’d call Fox honest, fair, and truthful, but then I could be sued for defamation. It ain’t nothing compared to what they do to me.
Look, I hope the Fox News team finds this funny. My goal is to make
them laugh as hard as CNN did when they read the settlement.
But then again, CNN was like, “Wow, they actually have $787 million? Whoa!!"
Folks, I go where the people are -- “The Daily Show.” Roy is a great
guy. He once dubbed me the Jay-Z of Delaware. Don’t let that look on
your face. You did.
Tonight he asked me to keep it short. He even offered me 10 bucks if I’d keep it under 10 minutes. That’s a switch:
a President being offered hush money.
 | Roy Wood Jr., of the Daily Show Did the Keynote Roast At the White House Correspondent's Dinner
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Look, I’m going to leave the jokes to the pros. But let me conclude on a genuinely serious note:
Roy was born in Birmingham, Alabama. He
graduated from a great HBCU, Florida A&M (FAMU). He started
in journalism to follow in the footsteps of his father, Roy Wood Sr.,
who covered the Civil Rights Movement.
During Black History Month this year, I hosted the screening of the
movie “TILL.” The story of Emmett Till and his mother is a
story of a family’s promise and loss and a nation’s reckoning with
hate, violence, and the abuse of power.
It’s a story that was seared into our memory and our conscience -- the
nation’s conscience -- when Mrs. Till insisted that an open casket for
her murdered and maimed 14-year-old son be the means by which he was
transported. She said, “Let the people see what I’ve seen.”
The reason the world saw what she saw was because of another hero in
this story: the Black press. That’s a fact. Jet Magazine,
the Chicago Defender, and other Black radio and newspapers were
unflinching and brave in making sure America saw what she saw. And I mean it.
Ida B. Wells once said, and I quote, “The way to right
wrongs is to turn the light of truth upon the wrongs.” “Turn the light
of truth upon the wrongs.” That’s the sacred view, in my view. That’s the sacred charge of a free press. And I mean that.
That’s what someone we still miss so much - who you honored posthumously
- stood for: Gwen Ifill. You know, she was among the very best. We
talked about it at the
table. She moderated my first debate for Vice President and was a
trusted voice for millions of Americans. Gwen understood that the
louder the noise, the more it’s on all of us to cut through the noise to
the truth. The truth matters.
NOTE: I put the following is a golden nugget from President Biden: "As I said last year at this dinner, a poison is running through our
democracy and parts of the extreme press. The truth buried by lies, and
lies living on as truth.
Lies told for profit and power. Lies of conspiracy and malice repeated
over and over again, designed to generate a cycle of anger, hate, and
even violence. A cycle that emboldens history to be buried, books to be
banned, children and families to be attacked by the state, and the rule
of law and our rights and freedoms to be stripped away. And where
elected representatives of the people are expelled from statehouses for
standing for the people.
I’ve made clear that we know in our bones -- and you know it too -- our
democracy remains at risk. But I’ve also made it clear, as I’ve seen
throughout my life, it’s within our power, each and every one of us, to preserve our democracy. We can. We must. We will.
I’d like to make a toast -- if I had a glass. (Laughter.)
My grandfather Ambrose Finnegan said, “If you ever make a toast without
liquor, you got to hold it in your left hand.” (Laughter.) You all
think I’m kidding. I’m not. I’m probably the only Irishman you’ve ever
met who’s never had a drink in his life. Anyway. I’d like to make a toast, seriously.
"At this inflection point in history, let us commit that we’ll be a
nation that will embrace light over darkness, truth over lies, and
finally, finally, finally restore the soul of the nation."
Hear, hear. (A toast is offered.)
Ladies and gentleman -- I’m going to turn this over to Roy. Roy, the podium is yours. I’m going to be fine with your jokes, but I’m not sure about Dark
Brandon. (The President
puts on sunglasse similar to the ones Stephen Colbert wears when
imitating the President on the Late Show on CBS)
All yours, pal - the President hands the mike to Roy Wood Jr from THE DAILY SHOW
Upon taking the mic from President Biden, Roy Wood Jr. picked up from the President's comical genius: Mr. President, I think you left some of your confidential material here. Never mind, I'll take care of it...
LINK TO ROY WOOD JR. ROASTING PRESIDENT BIDEN - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5m5dIiJMD0&t=4s
 | | Roy Wood Jr. Stashing "confidential papers" |
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